Job loss and my stages of grief

I wanted to write a post revealing the raw emotions, thoughts and moments of the first few weeks of being laid off.

Looking back, I was in shock for the first week. I was emotional, yes, but I was mostly in shock. After a friend told me on the second night that I hadn’t started grieving yet, I realized I had a long road ahead of me.

Since then, I have experienced each of the major stages of grief:

• Shock or Disbelief and Denial
• Anger
• Bargaining and Guilt
• Depression
• Acceptance and Hope

While there are times where the other stages come back in waves, I ultimately believe I have entered into the last stage of acceptance and hope for my future. While that’s nice to be in now, let me walk through some of what I felt the initial few weeks.

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The first day, I sometimes laughed to my friends saying, “I was laid off today…it’s kind of funny, right?!” (If that’s not shock, I don’t know what is).

People who saw me on the first day were surprised to see me “handling it so well”. I was even asked by a friend if I was faking it, which made me realize how I was in a genuine state of shock.

After I made my layoff public (through a blog post),  I received countless texts, messages, emails, etc. (thank you again to each of you who reached out – means so much! I still have some responses left). There was about a three day time period where I would either tear up or burst into tears at each message I received.

One morning, I made an omelet and sat at my kitchen table and cried realizing how everyone else was at work.

I went on a run and came back into my building, leaned up against the wall, and cried, knowing that was the only thing I had planned for the day.

I was overwhelmed and cried on the phone with my Mom after I suspended my student loans.

I sobbed in my bed after setting up Unemployment benefits (and cried every time dealing with it since).

For those first few days following the initial shock, I really embraced the feeling of not wanting to get out of bed.

I started to feel angry about the situation and wondered if there was anything I did that caused this to happen to me. Or anything I could have done differently to avoid this.

At the first church service I went to after being laid off, I cried at every worship song played – some of pain but also of the joy of community.

I sat quietly at a group brunch, feeling a lack of energy to contribute conversation and feeling like I was bringing the mood down.

I wrestled with thoughts and emotions of feeling unimportant, unvalued and forgotten.

I cried while laying on the floor when I received my package of personal belongings from my desk.

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Now, it’s easy to read the above and think I’ve felt hopeless about my situation and I want to be clear: I am not hopeless. Throughout this whole time period, I have been confident that God knew that this was going to happen and that He is faithful. I’m grateful that this circumstance has not lead me into a cycle of doubt, but rather pushed me into a new level of faith. I can either dwell on my situation, uncertainty, or fear…or…I can push myself to remember that I love a God who created the heavens and earth. He can take care of me.

But that doesn’t mean I have to push away those feelings or questions. Those feelings are real, raw and valid. That’s why I want to stress the importance of allowing yourself the time and space to grieve. 

God already knows how I feel so why try to hide it from him?

I love this Psalm because David so clearly cries out to the Lord and is so real and raw with his emotions. How often in our lives do we feel forgotten? Abandoned? Left alone to deal with a tragedy?

But look again at verses 5 and 6 (I bolded them) – notice something? After allowing himself to cry out to God, he still chooses to trust.  He acknowledges that the Lord is good.

Even though I’m fully in the acceptance stage, I still feel moments of pain, loss, confusion and fear. We can dig ourselves into negative spirals of thought if we dwell on those emotions. However, the key is first acknowledging those feelings, and then choosing to trust that God is good. That He loves me. That He will never leave me.

I am no way a pro at doing this – it is something I am challenged with to practice each day. What I feel is valid and important to recognize; what I know is what I need to hold onto because my emotions change. I cannot see the whole scope from beginning to end, but I believe in a God who does.

Even when we don’t know when God will answer or if/when God will change a circumstance, we can choose to trust in Him because He is good.

I wanted to share about my grieving process because I wanted to remind us all to not push away feelings because we don’t want to deal with them. Instead, let’s face them head on so we can more confidently move forward.