Last week, I arrived back home in Chicago. For those that don’t know, I decided to take about a month to travel after being suddenly laid off (here’s my original post). There’s a lot I can and hopefully will write about but the following story is something I need to share now.
I had signed a lease to an apartment with three of my friends in faith that I will have a job and stay in Chicago another year (what I believe is best for me right now). However, as I returned, I immediately found myself busy with catching up with people and moving into the new apartment. In the midst of my return to Chicago, I had been going from one thing to the next that I wasn’t taking the time to really think about or process what I was feeling in regards to being back.
That ended the other night.
I was talking with a roommate and friend when all of a sudden, the emotions came over me and I was standing in my new living room with tears streaming down my face.
I couldn’t explain why I was crying at first and then, as they patiently listened to me, I was able to process a lot of the feelings that had been building up inside of me. To be real and vulnerable with you, some of my thoughts and emotions are below:
- I have been couch surfing and living out of a suitcase for the past month. While I chose to do that and wouldn’t trade those experiences for anything, I was ready to feel settled again. How long will I be living in chaos? When will I feel at home again?
- I couldn’t afford movers so I moved most of my boxes out of my third floor apartment on my own without asking anyone to help me. Why do I struggle so much with asking for help?
- My new room is smaller and is providing me the opportunity to be creative with my belongings. I want to simplify my life and give away some of my things, but that is challenging when it’s so tempting to want to hold onto everything I have since I am no longer receiving an income to buy anything new. Why should I hesitate in giving things away? Why is being frugal also valuing money in an unhealthy way?
- I feel guilty not being able to contribute as much to the new apartment and feel like I’m a burden to those around me. Why do I feel like a burden?
- I haven’t seen my old coworkers in over a month. It used to feel strange when we went a weekend or a few days without seeing each other. Is this my new normal? Am I not missed? Why does my lay off have to affect my relationships too?
- Not many people my age understand or can relate to what I’m going through. Why do I have to feel so isolated in this difficult season?
- I had known the date I was returning to Chicago for weeks, but now that I am back, the feeling of, “now what?” comes over me. What am I going to do now?
After talking through a lot of this with my two friends, I felt encouraged and overwhelmed by their love and support. But to be completely transparent, I also felt discouraged with realizing how I was currently feeling. I had been so excited to be back in Chicago that I didn’t let myself embrace how difficult things are too.
No matter what you are currently dealing with, it’s healthy to talk through and express these emotions, and it’s a good reminder to humble yourself and let your friends be there for you. It’s easy to feel like we don’t want anyone to see us in our most vulnerable places, but then we can’t understand the beauty of friends listening and supporting us in the midst of our brokenness.
After realizing I hadn’t had dinner, one of my friends offered to get me Chipotle. We walked in, I ordered and then we walked up to the cash register. My friend was handing her card over and the employee said, “Well, have a good night!” My friend and I looked at each other with a confused look and the employee said again, “This one is on the house.”
We both immediately burst into tears and thanked the sweet woman for her generous gift, explaining how much it meant. We walked out of there with sheer amazement.
It is moments like these where I see the tender heart of God saying, “I see you. I’m for you. I know this is hard, but you’re not alone. I am here with you.”
This season for me is still hard. It is isolating. It is discouraging. It is unknown. I have to embrace that and understand that this is an extremely difficult season for me, but I can look beyond my current circumstances and know that good has and will come from this.
And in the meantime, even when I feel alone, I can trust that God is with me.
The Beauty In Our Brokenness 
Leave a comment