I didn’t intend for 8 months to go by, but I want to jump back into my blog by sharing about an experience I had several weeks ago while flying.
I don’t know what kind of flyer you are, but I love the window seat. I feel as though I could stare out onto the skies for hours. I genuinely enjoy the process of traveling and I will choose to sit in the last row of the plane just so I can get a window seat.
I settled into my seat in hopes that I would be able to get a glimpse of the city after taking off; I was flying during the day so I was looking forward to the chance of seeing the skyline.
We took off and started soaring towards Lake Michigan and I knew we were seconds away from a view of the skyline. And before I knew it, as we were rising in the sky, we also rose above the clouds. All of a sudden, the sky became this blanket of white – completely covering my view of the city down below (see image below).
I knew that the city was beneath this layer of clouds. But I couldn’t see it. My vision was clouded (literally).
I turned back from the window and sighed with disappointment. A perfect opportunity to see the city, ruined.
I feel as though two major ways God speaks to me is through nature and through analogies. This day, He used both.
It was as though God said to me, “Cate – this is your vision right now. You know I’m there but you can’t see me.”
Ouch.
How often is that true? This year so far, I have been seeing more and more into my weaknesses, my brokenness and my inability to trust God. Such foundational truths of my Christian faith that I struggle believing in the day to day. Do I believe God is good even if circumstances don’t change? Prayers go unanswered? Dreams aren’t fulfilled?
As I’ve been seeing this within myself, I have needed to be honest with myself that I cannot see. I am inadequate. I am broken. And while that is a heavy realization to live in, I am grateful that it doesn’t end there.
With a wider understanding of my brokenness, I am growing to have a deeper understanding of God’s grace. While I see more of my mess, I am learning to see Someone who loves me regardless. That is grace. That is beauty in the midst of my brokenness.
A few days later, as I boarded the plane on my return flight, I chose my window seat yet again in hopes that I could get a good view of the city. Towards the end of the flight, I remember praying: “God, I know you can give me a great view of the city. And not just to blog about it (ha) – but because you want to give me that. And I want to trust that You want to do that for me.”
We flew along Lake Michigan and took a turn to land at Midway. I looked out from the window and saw the beautiful city of Chicago.
I wish I could say I immediately broke into tears and acknowledged God’s goodness for how He answered my prayer. But I didn’t. I stared out with a smile but, overall, felt indifferent. Sad, right?
Even in the midst of my numbness, God sees me. God knows my heart and knows my inner most thoughts. And he knows all of that – and He cares. Even if I struggle to believe it all the time, I choose to trust in Someone greater than I. For I am broken and inadequate. And He is fully reliable and gracious and faithful.
I am working to believe these truths more and more. Sometimes my feelings will match and sometimes they will not. But that doesn’t change the Truth that I am broken, that God chooses to give me grace, and that He will continue the restorative work within me.
If you feel as though your vision is clouded too, know that you’re not alone. Life’s messiness, trials, losses, uncertainties, fears, etc. are enough to keep our eyes from seeing clearly. If we focus on what happens on this earth, our vision will stay clouded. But I pray that as we ask questions and seek answers, our eyes can be opened more and more to the restorative work, the unending grace, and the faithfulness of Jesus Christ.
“Then Christ will make his home in your hearts as you trust in him. Your roots will grow down into God’s love and keep you strong. And may you have the power to understand, as all God’s people should, how wide, how long, how high, and how deep his love is. May you experience the love of Christ, though it is too great to understand fully. Then you will be made complete with all the fullness of life and power that comes from God.” (Ephesians 3:17-19)
The Beauty In Our Brokenness 
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