After Bob Saget passed away in January, I started watching Full House from the very beginning to watch the series chronologically. In one of the early episodes, Danny turns 30. At this point in his life, Danny was widowed, had a stable career, had a car, (likely) owned a home in San Francisco, and…had three children.
I’m turning 30 in 6 months. I am not married. I do not own a home, or a car. I don’t have a pet (yet?) And I am far from having any children of my own. My responsibility is to water my plants regularly – and I fail at that sometimes. It was a stark and somewhat humorous reality of how turning 30 can be so different for many of us.
When I watched the Friends TV show reunion last year, a line from the commentary really struck me. The show was described as “the time in your life when your friends are your family.” Oh, how accurate that is in our young adulthood.
But what happens when your friends start to raise their own families? When they no longer view you as their family, yet they are still your family? I realized how much I resonated with Joey’s character at the end of the series – everyone ended up with a partner but him.
By age 29, I have been invited to 50+ weddings (and have attended almost all of them). I think I can confidently say most of my friends are married. If you need further proof, you can read when I attended 16 weddings in one year alone.
While I’ve genuinely loved celebrating those friends over the years, many of these same couples have begun to announce their first pregnancies, or are having their second or third child. It is so exciting for these friends to begin a new chapter of raising their own families – and yet – I also feel a twinge of sadness knowing how it affects our friendship.
For singles, we don’t have anything new to transition to like a spouse or a new baby. Our capacity hasn’t changed. Our availability hasn’t changed. Our needs haven’t changed. We are left to fill the gaps by adding other commitments, spending time with other friends, or befriending more single friends who have similar availability. It helps, but you can’t deny the pain of the loss and change in your existing relationships.
Throughout your early twenties, your friends are mostly all in similar life stages. Most people invest time toward their friendships as their main priority and sense of community. As you age and pass the threshold of 30, the change is palpable.
As people date, get married, and begin to raise their own families, priorities change. Availability adapts. Spontaneity decreases. Time for friends becomes more limited. Plans to get together need to become more intentional (and often around children’s feeding and/or sleep schedules).
And perhaps that is what is most difficult. These changes are natural and good – a spouse and children should be the main priority.
But this shifting of priorities often leads to other life decisions about the future, such as buying a home, moving to the suburbs, or moving for a job. As much as my friends value community and even my friendship individually, at the end of the day, they will choose what is best for them and their family’s future.
It can be easy for married people to say, “Oh how great it is you have the ability to get up and move or do whatever you want.” Which, sure. Yes. That part is great. But the other side of the coin is the fact that the possibilities can feel paralyzing. All your decisions are dependent upon you. There is no one you’re building your life with or around. It’s just you.
Now don’t get me wrong, I love the freedom and availability singleness provides. Investing in the breadth of friendships is a gift. But as I’m getting older, my desire for companionship continues to grow. I’m content on my own, but I desire the depth of having someone to prioritize and consider in life decisions; to have a partner to walk through life’s highs and lows together.
How do I effectively make plans for my own life, taking advantage of the fact that I’m single? To use this time and the opportunities wisely? And yet, how do I fill up my life while remaining open to meeting someone? To allow space for someone to enter?
Should I get the dog now even if I’d prefer to have one with a partner? Should I travel as much as possible? If I don’t get married, will I live alone for the rest of my life? Could I be like Uncle Jesse or Joey in Full House and be embraced as a part of a family even if I stay single?
These are the kinds of questions that can run through my mind. I’m used to living life on my own so the day-to-day is not hard for me. It’s my normal. But as I think about my future, I can feel anxiety over wondering where I belong. If I don’t have a spouse or if I don’t have my own family, will I still fit in?
For those of us watching friends move “ahead” in new life stages, it can often feel as though we’re getting left behind. While the need for community exists throughout all ages and seasons of life, I think it’s a unique and felt need for single adults over 30.
Especially for women, turning 30 often signals a sense that we’re losing valuable time to get pregnant and have our own family one day. There is a genuine fear and concern over potentially grieving your chance at a family. These are real thoughts we have to wrestle with as we age.
Our culture places a lot of expectations and emphasis on romantic love, marriage, and family. And if we’re honest, our own expectations often don’t help. While finding a partner and raising your own family are wonderful desires to have, remember this: You are valuable and worthy of love regardless of your relationship status. Read that again.
I don’t have the answers. I don’t know your future just as much as I don’t know what’s in store for mine. For me personally, I don’t know if God will give me a husband, but I trust He will provide the love that I need, even if it looks different than most of my friends. Whether single for a season or for a lifetime, remember the power of community. Seek out meaningful relationships with people – single and married – who can encourage, challenge, and affirm you.
You may be on your own, but you are not alone.
The Beauty In Our Brokenness 
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